Saturday, January 07, 2012

The Ten: Classic Video Games

I suck at video games. Always have. But I love playing the damn things, especially the really old games that were popular when I was a kid. And the more bizarre the game, the better. Here are some of my favorites:

OUTLAW - Two gunslingers shooting each other. That's about it. Hey, it was 1979. Not exactly the most high tech of times.

PAC MAN - Yellow pie with a piece missing eats little dots while avoiding ghosts. He can eat special dots to turn the ghosts blue and eat them. Whatever they were smoking in Japan in the early 1980s, I want some.

DONKEY KONG - Plumber saves girl from big ape who throws barrels to distract him from his mission. Big ape also inexplicably throws springs. Plumber can grab a magic hammer and pound away at all the barrels and springs in his way. At the end of each level, big ape takes away the girl. Big ape is a dick.

DIG DUG - Man digs underground and has to avoid fire-breathing dragons and some other creature that looks like a Tilt-A-Whirl car wearing a belt. Man can use his air pump to blow up these creatures. And I mean that literally. He has to blow them up until they explode. Why is the man digging around in the ground? Hell if I know.

CENTIPEDE - Little ship fires at a centipede. This game is kind of boring, but you don't understand! The arcade version had a spinning ball thing instead of a joystick. A SPINNING BALL THING INSTEAD OF A JOYSTICK!!!! It didn't take much to impress us in 1982.

BURGERTIME - You have to create some hamburgers by walking over the parts of the burger, like the bun and the lettuce and the patty. But the pickles and the ketchup are chasing you! Basically you're playing the video game version of a chef's worst nightmare.

ROOT BEER TAPPER - You are a bartender at a very seedy bar and people want their root beer NOW! Apparently people get belligerent when they don't get their A&W.

PITFALL - It was a very pixelated version of Indiana Jones, but those crocodiles were always a bitch to get around. Plus, apparently Baby Jack Black liked to play it as well.

ELEVATOR ACTION - It's retarded, I know, but I always found it fun.

PAPERBOY - It's about a paperboy who has to deliver papers on the route from hell. Between all the road construction, breakdancers, robbers, dogs, hearses, and skateboarders, it's a wonder this paperboy hasn't quit in a fit of disgust. Or been killed.

Since then games have gotten bigger and more complex. I have a friend who spends upwards of 20 hours solving each current game that he plays. Could you imagine playing Paperboy for 20 hours? Nah, give me these three minute games over the current crop any day of the week.

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