Wednesday, May 30, 2007

It's A Hard Knock Life

Last week I spent five days at my parents' house, dogsitting. My parents' dog, Lizzie, is a seven year-old Golden Retriever. She's a great dog. Needy, but great. Unfortunately, she's not terribly exciting to spend five days with. Here's her typical schedule:

8 a.m. - Rise. Walk over to the person in charge who is still sleeping. Whine.

8:15 a.m. - Go outside with person in charge who is standing there in a daze. Pee.

8:30 a.m. - Eat entire daily food allotment in three minutes.

8:33 a.m. - Lay down while person in charge is taking a shower. Sleep.

11:00 a.m. - Wake up. Go to person in charge. Sit close to him, but make sure you're far enough away so that he can't reach out and pet you. Whine.

11:05 a.m. - Go outside with person in charge. Spend five minutes sniffing the area where you last went to the bathroom. Do absolutely nothing. To frustrate person in charge, grab ahold of your leash with your teeth and pull on it.

11:15 a.m. - Go inside. Lay down. Sleep.

1:00 p.m. - Wake up. Person in charge is having lunch! Beg for food. Drooling is mandatory.

1:30 p.m. - Lunch for person in charge is over. Lay down. Sleep.

3:15 p.m. - Wake up. Find a window. Look out of it.

4:00 p.m. - Leave window. Drag stuffed animal from your toy basket. Shake stuffed animal furiously. When person in charge gets down on the floor to play with you, jump up on the couch where he was sitting, lay down, and sleep. Pretend like you don't hear the swearing from person in charge.

6:00 p.m. - Wake up. Whine.

6:05 p.m. - Go outside. Spend five minutes sniffing the area where you last went to the bathroom. Pee. Poop.

6:15 p.m. - Go inside. Lay down. Sleep.

7:00 p.m. - Dinner for person in charge! Alert! Alert! Beg for food. Perform tricks if necessary. Drooling, like at lunch, is required. Anything to get a bite of whatever it is he's eating.

7:30 p.m. - Lay down. Sleep. Person in charge is watching a movie, so this is a good time to rest.

8:45 p.m. - Wake up. Go to person in charge. Whine. Make sure this is during the most important part of whatever movie it is he's watching.

8:50 p.m. - Go outside. Spend five minutes sniffing where you last went to the bathroom. Pee.

9:00 p.m. - Go inside. Sit next to person in charge, who now must pet you. For an hour.

10:00 p.m. - Lay down. Sleep.

12:00 a.m. - Bedtime. Follow person in charge upstairs. Jump on the bed and strategically place yourself in the worst position possible so person in charge has to lie in some strange cross-angled, bent-shaped, uncomfortable way. Sleep.

8:00 a.m. - Rise. And repeat.

It's hell to be a dog.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Brittany and J-Lo and Paris, Oh My!

Two months ago I received a letter from Premiere Magazine alerting me that my subscription with them was ending soon. Not wanting to miss an issue of the best film magazine ever, I sent them a check for renewal, which they promptly cashed.

Three weeks later, they announced they were folding.

I quickly received a postcard stating that I shouldn't worry, that my subscription would be transferred to a comparable magazine, one that Premiere fans were certain to love. Imagine my surprise, then, when I began to receive Us Weekly in the mail.

Us Weekly is nothing like Premiere magazine. I've received three issues so far and have yet to see any comparison. Examples:

*Premiere was where I found out about the Jennifer Aniston independent film The Good Girl. Us Weekly was where I found out that Vince Vaughan spent the night with Jennifer Aniston last week. For proof, they offered up pictures of him leaving her house bright and early.

*Premiere was where I read an annual "Backstage at the Oscars" article that never failed to be entertaining. Us Weekly is where I have discovered who looks better on the red carpet when two women wear the same dress.

*Premiere had articles about actors that didn't read like press releases. Us Weekly has a feature called "Stars! They're Just Like Us!" that shows paparazzi photos of Julia Roberts shopping and Brooke Shields playing with her kids.

*Premiere published in-depth articles on relevant topics. Us Weekly interviewed Ricki Lake about her weight loss, where I learned such interesting nuggets of information like, "To lose weight, you should eat less and exercise more."

*Premiere had an alright graphic layout. Us Weekly makes it difficult for anyone to decipher between what is advertising and what is content.

R.I.P. Premiere Magazine. If there is a heaven, people are still receiving you in their mail every month. And for those of you in Hell, welcome to your lifetime subscription of Us Weekly.

I will be calling Us Weekly Monday demanding my money back. I can't wait until they ask me why I'm dissatisfied with their publication.