Monday, February 20, 2006

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I woke up at 8:05 this morning. Normally I get up at 7:30. Needless to say, I was running a bit late.

I blame my new clock radio. See, it's pretty cool because I can plug my iPod into it. But for some reason, when you're using the iPod to wake you up, the snooze function doesn't work properly. (It works, but not the way I want it to.) Which means that when the alarm sounds at 7:30, I have to either get up right away or keep the iPod playing until I roll my ass out of bed. Usually I do one or the other and I'm fine, but this morning I must have thought it was 2003 and my old clock radio was prompting me to get up. Because of this, I hit snooze and went back to sleep for what I thought would be 9 minutes. 35 minutes later I woke up and began screaming obscenities.

I was just a wee bit late to work. Not enough to make the boss yell, but enough to make me think about sneaking in through the side entrance. Nothing was said, and hopefully today's snoozing incident was an isolated one.

Of course, I managed to hit every red light and get behind every slow driver on the way to work. Who were these people? Didn't they know it was President's Day?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Just To Watch Him Die

I saw Walk the Line today and highly recommend it. Both Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon are worthy of their Oscar nominations. Phoenix was the real revelation; I've never been a fan of his work in the past, but he won me over with this role. He did the rare thing: He created a character that was Johnny Cash but wasn't merely an impersonation of the Johnny Cash we all know and love. It's a good year for that; Philip Seymour Hoffman did the same thing - with slightly greater success - in Capote.

Director James Mangold hooked me right away with an energetic prelude set at Folsom Prison and didn't let up until the end. I really enjoyed how he showed the work involved in writing some of Cash's songs, a great change of pace from what Taylor Hackford presented in Ray. (Hackford inferred that all of Charles's songs were born fully finished and ready to be recorded. Right.) Oh, sure, I could quibble about how the actress playing Johnny Cash's first wife was horribly miscast or how the father/son issue was awkwardly handled, but I won't. See the movie. And if you do, be sure you have the volume turned all the way to the top. This is a film that demands to be seen loudly.

My favorite parts of the film were when all the Sun Records artists - Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, etc. - were hanging out. The history of Sun would make for a great film in and of itself and I hope that someday someone steps up to the plate and makes one.

Phoenix and Witherspoon both get extra credit for performing all their charaters' songs themselves. Again, it didn't matter that they didn't sound like their real-life counterparts; their performances were so good that I didn't care.

Before the film I saw a preview for Aquamarine, which is about two teenage girls discovering a mermaid and assisting in her quest for love or something. That's right, there's now a movie that rips off both The Little Mermaid and Splash. Granted, I've only seen the trailer, but Aquamarine looks like it could be a contender for the worst movie ever made. It did make me reminisce about those old Ted's Aqua Marine commericals I used to see in between Tennessee Tuxedo cartoons when I was a kid, though, so I guess it wasn't all bad.

Note to Coca-Cola: For at least the past five years I've had to suffer through countless idiotic Coke commercials starring NASCAR drivers. These commercials have never been funny. In fact, I don't think the majority of them have made sense. Please, for the love of God, cease production on these ads. They are the commercial equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Hell Is For Kroger

I worked at Kroger for four years while I was in college. I have some pretty horrible memories of that time, but nothing compares to what happened to me while I was waiting to pay for my groceries this afternoon.

I went to the check-out lanes only to discover every single one had at least a two cart wait. This is frustrating enough - come on, it was a Saturday afternoon, their busiest time - but I hopped in the lane I thought would be the quickest and waited. And waited. And waited. The lady whose order was being scanned noticed a discrepancy with a stuffed cat she was buying. When the clerk went to check the price, she accidentally scanned the cat again, inadevertently adding another one to the bill. This customer had obviously never been to a grocery store before, because she was unaware that mistakes like this can happen and that erroneous items can be voided. Instead, she began screaming, "You better remove that. Remove that now! Remove it!!!!" She was causing a scene over a $3 - or $4 - stuffed cat. And who the hell buys a stuffed animal at Kroger, anyway? It's not Toys 'R Us.

A manager got involved and the customer demanded someone look up the sale price, so a bagboy went running to the stuffed cat aisle to check it out. At this point you're probably wondering why I didn't just leave and go to another lane. That's easy: I was boxed in by the lady behind me, who had two screaming children stuffed into one of those mega-carts designed to look like a race car. I wasn't going anywhere.

The price check came back and the cat was indeed $3, so the lady went ahead and bought it, all the while huffing about how the customer is always right. Finally, ten minutes after I got in line, she was finished. She wheeled her $148 worth of groceries and stuffed cat to her car, hopefully never to be seen again. I figured it was time for the line to really cook, since the lady in front of me only had about 25 items.

Wrong.

Here's a tip for that lady, if she's reading: When you scan your card, don't hit "Debit" when you mean to hit "Credit". Especially since, as you told the clerk when you made this mistake, that you've done this "hundreds of times." Because of the confusion, her bill had to be reconfigured or retransmitted or something, resulting in a slight delay. Again, I was trapped in the aisle with nowhere to go. Meanwhile, because each lane was backed up to the meat department, additional cashiers were brought in. Do you think I was offered an additional cashier, since I had been there the longest? Nah. People who had only been waiting a few minutes were being moved to these newly opened checkout lanes.

So Ms. Credit/Debit Moron left, and now it was my turn. The cashier scanned my Kroger Plus Card. She scanned my items. I did the credit card transaction. I signed the bill. And because there weren't enough baggers, I bagged my own groceries. And then I went to put my bags into my cart...but my cart was gone.

See, there was a bagger on the next aisle, and that bastard took my cart and was using it for his customer. I would understand this if I had pushed the cart totally away from my lane, but I hadn't. I had moved it to the end of the aisle, angled towards me, so I could bag my groceries and get the hell out of there. Sometime while I was hapharzardly shoving my grocery items into bags, he swiped my cart. Well, this little incident pushed me over the edge and I got angry. I informed the clerk that my cart was gone and that she would have to wait for me to get another one before I could leave. There were no carts waiting to be used in that area, so I had to walk all the way to the front of the store, grab another cart, and then wheel it back to my checkout lane. Meanwhile, while I was doing this, she began processing the order of the lady behind me. A different bagboy magically appeared out of nowhere and began bagging her groceries...and mixing them in with mine. When I got back to the checkout lane, we had to sort everything out. Luckily, I made it home with everything I had purchased.

I've been to hell and it is Kroger on a Saturday afternoon.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Narpolepsy And Cranky Pants

A lot of you, my loyal readers, have been asking why the blog hasn't been updated in nearly a month. And some of you have been screaming at me, "UPDATE YOUR DAMN BLOG!!!!" Sorry about my absence. There were several things in the pipeline that I couldn't write about until they were finalized, so I stayed away from Waye's World to resist the temptation. I promise it won't happen again. I know a lot of you are now shaking your head saying, "He's promised us that before and he lied. He lied! He's a liar! A no good liar!" Well, I can't really argue with that. But I'll change! I'll do whatever it takes! An update a day! Two, even! Just don't leave me!

OK, now that the groveling is done, here's what's been going on since January 23:

Last weekend I auditioned for Father of the Bride and won the role of the wedding coordinator. The show will be produced in Zionsville by the same people who did Plaza Suite and I expect to see every one of you in attendance. If you're not there, for shame.

I was asked to audition for A Midsummer Night's Dream a few weeks ago. That was bizarre, trying my hand at Shakespeare. I think I did alright, but alas, poor Yorrick, I did not get a part. They were looking for someone older, so I can blame my youthful looks for letting me down. That, and my mangling of the text.

I was asked to do the next show in Hillsboro and briefly considered it. But then I went to see their production of The Sound of Music last weekend and was reminded just, exactly, how long the drive is. Too bad, because I would have been cast as a bellhop, a pirate and a monkey. Let me write those roles again: a bellhop, a pirate and a monkey. That was difficult to turn down. Me? A pirate? Comedy gold. (Not to mention the monkey!)

My car is still in the shop and has been promised to me by Monday. If not, the main body shop guy said he would rent me a car so I can return my parent's Rav to them. Thank you, again, Mom and Dad for lending it to me for the past six weeks. Without your generosity I would be hemorrhaging money right now on a rental car. Sahm's is on me Monday night!

Movies: Munich sucked. It was boring as hell and Spielberg kept raising interesting issues only to cheapen them with bad plotting and an inconsistent tone. Capote, on the other hand, was excellent, the best of the Best Picture nominees I've seen. (The only one I haven't seen is Brokeback Mountain, which I'm going to try to get to before the Oscars on March 5.) The plan is to see Walk the Line this week before it disappears from theatres, so I should have a review for that one soon. And, no, I still haven't watched The Wedding Crashers.

Tonight I spent the evening watching a lovely show called Crazy/Different at Marian College. The show was written and directed by everyone's favorite Musical Comedy Murders heroine, Katie Sellars. She did a hell of a job. It was a musical review that took place in a mental hospital, and I can safely say that it's the only show in existence that features the song "Mr. Cellophane" sung by a guy with a mohawk. It was a fun way to spend the night. Bravo, Katie!

For those wondering, the title of this post is a reference to the show (and the conversation afterward). Sorry, I know it's an in-joke, but I wanted to include it and couldn't fit it in anywhere else.

Meanwhile, in world news, a lot of people are dying over an editiorial cartoon. An editorial cartoon! What in the hell is going on in this world?!?!?

I will say this: At least I learned something from all this mess. Who knew there was a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Pakistan? Granted, it's been burned down now, but at one time people could by the Colonel's secret recipe there. I had no idea!

Oh, and what's up with our vice president shooting someone in the face and getting away with it because he said he was sorry on Fox News? I saw that apology, and it didn't really look like Dick was that upset. He looked more like he was trying to squelch a PR nightmare. I'm not going to crack any "don't go hunting with Dick Cheney" jokes because, really, they've all been done by now. I don't even watch late night TV and I'm already sick of them.

And now we are back in the present. I swear to God I will update more frequently, so don't delete your bookmark just yet. Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a...well, you get the idea.